ugh

I had to make this blog because I am going crazy.  I have royally fucked myself over.  I'm recently divorced and currently pregnant...not by my ex husband though.  Oh no, I got knocked up by the guy I've been seeing.  He is nice and he treats me well, but he is not who I would have picked to make a baby with.  I'm having the baby, it's not the baby's fault afterall.  The problem is not the baby, it's the fact that I'm not over my ex that is presenting the problem.  I thought I was going to be okay but now I'm not so sure.  I spend of my alone time crying and the rest of my time is spent working or picking fights with my boyfriend.  I know I'm being ridiculous, but I just can't seem to stop myself.  It's all so much to try to process at once.  I really wish I would have been more responsible in my decision making.  I'm 29, there's really no excuse for any of this.  How the hell did I let this happen?

Let's discuss problem number one first.  I'm pregnant.  I tried really hard to convince myself that the two positive grocery store tests were just a fluke.  I went to the health department and was kind of convinced they were going to tell me I was pregnant afterall.  That was not and is not the case.  I am terrified.  I am unprepared for this baby and the life that will come along with it.  I worry daily that I am too selfish to be a mom.  I love kids, but I love having freedom too.  The family that will come as a package deal with this baby scares me.  The father's side is decidedly country.  I am more of a weird nerdy gamer girl.  It will be a strange mix for sure.  I have no idea how to make it work.  I guess the baby will be the glue.